ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
