Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
