Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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