trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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