smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
