The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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