You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
