He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
