Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
