i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's blow job season.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
