What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
