I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
