Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
