I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
