just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
