Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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