1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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