it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
