they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
