i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
