I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize