how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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