I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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