she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
