i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
