Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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