My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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