We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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