So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
