she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
