How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
