i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
NoShamevember. You game?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize