Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
