sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
