Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
