A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
