peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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