So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
