If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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