Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
