mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The convent might be a nice break from real life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
