I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
