He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
