Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
