So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
