i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
