the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
