So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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