I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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