You can't special order awesome
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
