Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
