just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
