I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize