I think I won the penis lottery.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
