as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
