If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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