I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
