if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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