i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
