Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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