Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
