On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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