Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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