The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
