I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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