is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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