What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
