yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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