Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
