I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
