I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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