There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
