She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize